Update on the dreaded day.

Well, this posting is more of an update to my last posting...

It turns out that I misunderstood the context in which my friend had asked me to step back. Maybe I had been a bit too over-sensitive and once I realised that I tried to make amends. However, my attempts to amend have probably made things worse... I think there is now a very bad feeling between us and my only option is to give her space, it will hurt me a lot but I hoping it won't turn into something permanent.

The one thing that makes this incredibly difficult is that I know my friend is very unhappy. Her job is going really badly and her boyfriend is all the way out in Africa; they can only meet up once every few months if that. Normally, I would want to help in any way I could, now I feel like a hindrance and I will only destroy our once amazing relationship even further.

It is also no coincidence that I am writing this on Valentine's day, I have been sending my friend a present every year (which I also do with a few other girl-friends but largely because she/they seemed to enjoy it)... I had already agreed to not send her anything this year due to our little bust-up but some part of me hoped that she would at least think of me and say/send something. I guess not. A shame really, I used to enjoy Valentines day because of the joy that it would bring to my friends who received something... now I don't have that, it is a pretty rubbish day when you are single.

Anyway, enough wallowing in self-pity... as no one will ever read this blog, I am going to use it to talk about myself and my feelings on different aspects of life. As I have more time to myself, the updates should now start to get more frequent. My first posting on this will be a rundown of me...

Is a girl-friend really possible?

Well, here is the latest post by me, only a month after the last one, not bad really.

I am writing out of pure self interest... as a form of catharsis for a recent episode with a friend. My current musing is whether it is really possible to have a girl as a close friend? I was phoned up by someone I regarded as my closest friend the other day telling me that I should 'back off' in the friend's stakes with her as her boyfriend is concerned that we are 'too close.' While I always found her attractive, nothing has ever happened and I had always wanted to be close friends rather than anything else.

I always thought I got on well with the boyfriend and that he was the perfect guy for her, until that point I had been extremely happy for her. The problem however, is not really with the boyfriend, it is possibly more with my friend; I have shared more with her than many of my other friends and we always said that we would be close friend's for life... however, as soon as the proper boyfriend comes in, there is no defence by the girl of my own relationship with her, it is simply that our close friendship is on the backburner (I have noticed a considerable decrease of interest by her in the goings on of my own life).

I have always accepted that I would see less of her as her life became more busy and the boyfriend came on the scene. Ultimately, I always knew that my partial counselling role would no longer be needed once the firm boyfriend came on the scene.

However, this whole episode has now raised the idea that, as a guy, it is simply not possible to remain close confidants with a girl once the man comes on the scene. There is almost a feeling that I have been used until no longer necessary.

Now, I am not basing these thoughts on my relationship with one girl alone, the last 10 years have been littered with examples of girls who I have completely lost contact with once they have got boyfriends... Lexi, Sue, Olivia and another Olivia to name just a few. Will 'A' be added to this list? The episode has only just occurred so only time will tell.

As life goes on, from having a proportion of 50/50 girls & boys as close friends, I am now starting to see the ratio skew heavily to the boys side. That begs the question, is it really worth making the effort to be 'close friends' with girls in the first place when you will ultimately not figure later on in their life?

My current answer to this is 'yes' and 'no.' On the 'yes' side, I have had some of the most wonderful experiences and times with her, I would not change them for anything else. Also, in the times we have been very good friends, it has made me genuinely happy to see her and see her happy. I think that puts her in the category of 'a wonderful part of my life I can look back on with great fondness.'

On the 'no' side, if more of my friendships had been with guys rather than girls, maybe the early work put in would be paying off for me much later on in life... they would still be there to help me through their troubles and vice-versa.

Ultimately, I don't know what is going to happen here & I hope my friend firmly decides on her priorities and whether to cut me out of her life or not. However, it will be interesting to see in 30 years whether the 'friends for life' that my friend and I used to stand by has actually held true.

The End? To Blog or not to Blog...

Well it turns out that I am not much of a blogger at all... this being my second posting in since the original in August - almost 5 months! Well, if one was to review the points of my last posting, it is possible to see why I now 'have a bit more time' to blog:

1. Give me something to do while wondering when my job will end. - Well, my job ended as of October and now I flit between being happy to be out of the company to being unhappy that I am. I assume it is like breaking up from a girl you love... the pain will get less over time.
2. Allow me to procrastinate a little more before attempting to revise for my exam in two months time. - Hmmm.... well the stress of the job situation made revision virtually impossible (really not trying to give an excuse) so I took it & failed having done no work. Am taking the exam again in March, this time I have to pass it!

A good friend also got me thinking about doing an MBA, not sure it is worth it (and not sure I am MBA material) but I am looking at doing the GMAT test so I have an MBA as a fallback option should I fail to get a job.

3. Allow me to rant (not too much though, otherwise everyone will think I am the miserable b@stard I pretend I am not).

4. Allow me to vent the conversations I would love to have, except none of my friends is boring enough to listen to them. - I guess for both points 3 & 4 nothing has changed. That said, my complete lack of any views since my first post have led me to realise that no one will ever read what I am writing. That's fine by me; my aim now for this blog is to act as some kind of self-help where at least I can put my true thoughts down on paper.

5. Make comments on things I think are important which haven't been given the due attention in the press. Not done so far...

6. Give me the vague hope that someone will discover my posts and turn me into the internet sensation I never knew I wanted to be. - Definitely not going to happen.

SO the final question is whether it is really worth me doing a serious blog? At the moment I would say 'no' but I am going to go ahead with it, just in the hope it can help me keep my sanity in the 'lay-off' period I am to endure.

That said, I am experimenting with Twitter as well, so far it has been a bit rubbish but I reckon I just need to get in the frame of mind to 'tweet.' Until now, I have always considered Twitter & Facebook status updates to be a bit pretentious as no one really should care what I have to say... then I realised that I enjoy reading my friend's newsfeeds on Facebook, so I guess it is a worthwhile thing.

Anyways, time to be off... hopefully my next post will be a bit more timely and possibly more upbeat!

Happy New Year...

The Start...

Well, I have set up a blog... guess I am now part of the 'internet generation,' whatever that means. I guess I should have some aims as to what I want to achieve with this blog...

1. Give me something to do while wondering when my job will end.
2. Allow me to procrastinate a little more before attempting to revise for my exam in two months time.
3. Allow me to rant (not too much though, otherwise everyone will think I am the miserable b@stard I pretend I am not).
4. Allow me to vent the conversations I would love to have, except none of my friends is boring enough to listen to them.
5. Make comments on things I think are important which haven't been given the due attention in the press.
6. Give me the vague hope that someone will discover my posts and turn me into the internet sensation I never knew I wanted to be.

N.B. All of the above aims are likely to change dependent on my mood.